bikeboy587

YOU KNOW YOU DRIVE A BEATER IF:

[ul][*]Your rear fenders have lots of dings OUTWARD from tools and spare parts flying around in the trunk when you corner.[*]You car has the "keyless entry" feature. Both locks are broken and unusable.[*]You wipe the spilled oil off the valve cover with a rag, and then you wipe the excess wheel bearing grease off your hand on the fender.[*]You double the book value of your car when you fill the tank.[*]You are really pissed that you scratched the edges of you Coleman canoe because you didn't put a blanket on the roof of your car when you carried it up there to the lake.[*]Nobody wants to steal it or even brush up against it.[*]It was stolen once and found two blocks way, on the same street.[*]Curbs are minor inconveniences and in no way limit the paved surfaces your car has access to.[*]You remove the snow from your car with the same metal shovel you cleared the driveway with.[*]10 to 15 pounds of roadsalt on the car doesn't faze you, in fact, you think it kinda looks cool.[*]You drive through an exclusive section of town the cops ALWAYS follow you.[*]After you nail a particularly nasty pothole your first impulse is to see if you bent a wheel, your second impulse is to make sure no chunks of sheetmetal are missing.[*]The keys haven't been out of the ignition for over a year.[*]Your car uses more "other" fluids than gasoline.[*]The cost to fill the tank is more than your yearly excise tax.[*]At your local car club show, you easily win the "Best Use of Body Fillers and Assorted Adhesives" class every year.[*]10 seconds after shifting into park it backfires so loudly that everyone in a 1/2 block radius hits the deck. You have the timing of this backfire down pat. As you walk away, you turn and fake "shooting at your car" with a "gun hand" just as it backfires.[*]You think you can get "another hundred thousand out of it easy".[*]You give it away when you are done with it.[*]You CAN'T give it away when you are done with it.[*]You will never be DONE with it.[*]You really like the tires that are on the car because "they hold air".[*]After a minor fender bender with a lamp post some stuff that was stuck or broken starts working again.[*]It was broken into but nothing was taken.[*]When the sun hits the windshield just right, you can still make out the big white numbers "$250".[*]You got drunk once and "waxed it" with a bucket of industrial floor polish and a mop. It didn't bother you the next day, in fact in hindsight you are kind of proud of thinking that up.[*]The kids use it for a backstop when playing baseball.[*]You are on retainer as a consultant for 3M's duct tape division.[*]You use the oil from your dipstick rag to clean bugs off your windsheild.[*]You have a total of six lug nuts still performing their intended function.[*]Your idea of a "theft proof" gas cap is to snake a tie-wrap through the rag.[*]A small field mouse has moved into the hole where the trunk lock used to be.[*]Your car gets "keyed" and you try to make a design out of the scratch with YOUR keys.[*]
You have a complimentary "Board of Directors" plaque from the company that makes the "Muffler Bandage".[*] You don't need a change holder because coins stick to the vinyl repair tape on the seats.[*] You go to www.nadaguides.com and enter your car for a "Fair Market Value" and it comes up with a negative number.[*] You lose the stop-light challenge to a 14-year-old on a moped.[*] You cross your fingers every time you try to start the car.[*] 15-minute Jiffy Lube needs to keep your car for 3 days.[*] When you gas up, the attendant asks "Can I re-duct tape that windshield for you?"[*] While waiting at a stoplight, people run up asking if anyone was hurt.[*] Traffic reporters are starting to refer to you by name when discussing morning tie-ups.[*] Your tires are balding faster than Michael Bolton.[*] You judge suitable parking spaces by the degree of downhill slope.[*] You have the local towing company on speed-dial.[*] The engine catches fire and you don't notice anything wrong until the firetruck pulls you over.[*] Your entire car isn't worth the minimum insurance deductible.[*] The city sends you a notice requesting that you remove the 'abandoned vehicle' from your driveway.[*] Every time you start your car, the smog index jumps a whole point.[*] The local mechanic says that doing a tune-up is just 'throwing good money after bad'.[*] The 8-track tape deck finally eats your last tape.[*] When you try to sell it, the Old Car Trader won't accept your ad because 'they have a reputation to protect'.[*] If something sounds funny, you turn up the radio real loud until you get home.[*] You pull the hood latch before you try the key.[*] You wait until the car is running before you fasten your seatbelt.[*] You have to schedule 2 hours of adjustments and repair work so you can take a 10-minute drive to the store.[*] You go to the junkyard to look for parts and when you return to the front parking lot on your way out you see it being carried away on the forklift.[*][font="comic sans ms"] You pull off the road to pick up the homeless psychopathic hitchhiker and he