ASSHATM: American Society to Stop Hate Against the Mustang
Perhaps This Threat Level Arrangement Will Help Prevent the World From Thinking All Mustang Owners Are Idiots Who Crash All the Time.
At this point, the deluge of memes about Mustang crashes has reached the tipping point, moving well past annoying and right into absurd and angering. Unfortunately, it seems like even more people are crashing their Mustangs and giving these buffoons on the internet more to talk about. It has gotten so bad that the fellas over at Jalopnik have gone so far as to create a scale of severity for how “Mustang” the Mustang crash was.
If we want this to stop, we need to start taking some action. We are the higher level of Mustang owner here at Mustang Forums, and we need to protect the Mustang legacy. In response to Jalopnik’s crash scale, we have created a threat level arrangement based on the National Terrorism Advisory System. We are calling it the American Society to Stop Hate Against The Mustang (ASSHATM) Prevention and Warning System. The good-guy Mustang owners can use this scale to judge the potential for a meme-worthy crash, and take steps to stop the offending Mustang owner before they end up flipped over in a hedge. Let’s take a stand against jackassery, and prevent the world from thinking all Mustang owners are idiots who crash all the time. We aren’t Camaro owners, after all.
Using the rating system is relatively simple. Look at the warning signs listed below and their assigned “crash” value. Your total crash value corresponds to a particular rating on the threat level scale. Now go forth, and try to stop this epidemic.
Mullet length: 0-500 points
Any mullet is a bad sign, but the larger the mullet, the larger the chances of catastrophe. For every inch of mullet length, add 100 danger points to your crash scale.
Age: 0-500 points
This one is pretty easy. Those who are younger tend to be more reckless. When you see that pimply kid walking towards his new Mustang GT, be prepared for the worst. Scale is 25 points for every year under the age of 30. Add an extra 250 points for anyone under the age of 20.
Mustang model: 0-500 points
The more powerful the Mustang, the more capable it is of causing havoc in the wrong hands. As such, owners of more-powerful Mustangs will need to be considered more carefully when trying to decide if they will become a nuisance. Base GT cars are worth 100 points, and the scale moves up from there. GT350, Boss 302 models etc. are worth 200. Top-tier cars like the Cobra and GT500 are worth 300. Tuned Mustangs from the likes of Hennessey, Rousch, or others are 500 points.
Local populace: 0-1000 points
The more people that are around to watch a stupid act, the more likely that stupid act is to occur. Each person in attendance is worth .5 points, up to a maximum of 1000.
Female/ “Bro” ratio: 0-500
This ties in much closer to age, but if there are more females around, male fools are more likely to try and impress them, which escalates the chances of stupidity and recklessness. The more of the gathered crowd that happens to fit into this category, the stronger the danger. This scale works on a percentage. For every 10% of the lady/bro group around, add an extra 100 points, up to a maximum of 500.
Here is the scale in a handy, color-coded infographic form, to help you keep track of how likely a Mustang-sourced collision is going to occur. Remember, it’s our job to try and stop these idiots from further destroying the Mustang name and legacy with their immature and irresponsible actions.
Chime in with your thoughts on the forum. >>
